Too long apart...both my body and mind are reminding me. The need to see him and touch him has become a physical ache. Daniel had been dispatched to another SG team to aid in the recovery of what was believed to be the library of an advanced civilization. While he was off world, the three remaining members of SG1 had been "requested" to aid the Tok'ras on a rescue mission. Our mission was the more difficult, yet we returned intact. Daniel's mission, one of research and discovery, proved to be more of a more hazardous nature, when a violent, unpredicted earthquake hit the offworld site.

I had returned the hero through the wormhole, surprised that Daniel was not waiting for me, as well as, Carter and Teal'c. Fraiser imparted the news, that she had just released him that morning, after a 24 hour stay in the infirmary. Though he sported various bruises and a concussion, she considered him lucky...four members of the dig...four members of the archeology department... of Daniel's department, had died in the quake. That mission...that archeological dig was Daniel's dream come true. An earthquake turned it into a nightmare.

* * * * *

Hoping that he is resting, secure in the knowledge that he probably is not, I use my key to open the door to the loft. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the darkness and I shake my head at the loud music pulsating through the stereo speakers. Daniel has a tendency to hide behind music...I'm thinking that the loudness prevents his mind from thinking...going to places and pitfalls that it shouldn't be visiting.

I place the bag of food, the bottle of Ouzo and video on the counter. On my way to the study, I turn lights on as I go...shedding illumination into the gloom of the rooms. "Daniel?"

I *am* taken back to see Daniel sleeping on the study's couch. Arms folded across his chest, holding a book in place. His glasses are pushed up, his bare feet propped up on the arm rest. In the shadowy light, if I strain...I can make out the bruises on Daniel's body. I want to examine them...him closer. I sit on the edge of the couch and lean in with a gentle kiss to the pulse point on his neck. I inhale deeply...God I missed his *smell*, I missed him...Daniel's odor of chocolate, herbal soap, after shave and that ever present overlay of coffee.

Waking Daniel up is one of my life's simple pleasures...before he opens his eyes and the weight of the world shadows them. He senses my presence by a hint of a smile. With a mind of its own, my hand begins to trace the marks on Daniel's face. The smile disintegrates as my touch to his bruises brings reality crashing back to Daniel. The blue of his eyes appear under heavy lids and he clears his throat before speaking "Hi...ummm didn't mean to fall asleep." Daniel pulls his glasses down from their resting place, blinking as the world comes into focus. I stand and watch Daniel return to full awareness. His emotions are at war between the knowledge of what happened on that planet and his happiness at my safe return.

Sighing, I see the exact moment when the planet takes precedence over Daniel's happiness. Daniel's welfare falling to the bottom of the list.

"Come on...I brought dinner."

"I'm..." Daniel swings his feet off the arm and brings himself to a sitting position.

"Don't even go there, Daniel. Don't tell me you're not hungry...don't tell me you just ate." Without his permission, I grab his arm and pull him off the couch so he now faces me. In one swift motion, I envelope his warmth against my body, cupping the back of his head, forcing him to rest it on my shoulder. I keep my hand there, rubbing my fingers through the rough texture of his hair. My other hand snakes under his sweatshirt, my fingers stroking the expanse of his back. This is not meant as a sexual gesture, but a gesture of comfort...the 'I'm here, and I understand.' We stand like that for minutes, and I am comforted by the steady heartbeat and breathing of my lover. Thanking all the gods in the universe for his return to me. Offering a silent prayer for those that did not return to their families.

For a second, he responds, Daniel's hands join around my waist and he pulls me closer. I silently will him to open up...to tell me what happened. And then it is gone he draws a shuddering breath and distances himself physically and mentally from me. Blue eyes challenging me, unwavering in their anguish...daring me to ask him, push him. Wanting to lash out at something, me, anything in anger over the four dead people in SGC's morgue. I refuse to rise to the bait... "Dinner, Daniel. It's getting cold, and *I'm* hungry."

With a sigh, Daniel drops his gaze, shrugs his shoulders, and allows me to push him towards the kitchen.

* * * * *

I motion towards Daniel's empty plate. "Guess you were hungry, huh?" He pushes his chair from the table and gets up to do the dishes. His back ramrod straight and stiff standing before the sink.

Dinner had been a quiet affair, the conversation stilted and one- sided. Daniel was working so hard to keep his emotions in check, that his answers to me became short and laced with tinges of anger. My concern for him mounting as each silent moment ticked by, my anger at Janet for releasing Daniel in this state to what had been an empty house. "Daniel?"

He turns, walks back to the table, grabs the Ouzo and pours himself a shot. I bite my tongue, unable to say what I would like, grimacing as he drinks it, pours himself another in quick concession and downs that one also. He takes the bottle and glass to the sink putting it within arm's reach.

As he begins to wash the dishes, I see him reach for the bottle a third time, intervention on my part a must. I'm off the chair, pressing his body against the sink, forcing his hand with the bottle back to the counter. "That's not the answer. Talk to me!"

In a movement to swift for me to counter, Daniel turns and forces me up against the nearby wall. His mouth covering mine, his tongue searching, seeking its mate. Daniel tastes of garlic, and Ouzo and desire. His desire for me is emanating from every pore in his body. I reach down, never releasing Daniel's mouth, and begin to unbutton his pants.

"No!" his response reverberates in my mouth as my offending hand is pinned behind my body. The weight of his body, against mine, effectively holding my hand in place. Daniel breaks the kiss, enabling us both to surface for air. I'm gasping at the heat cursing through my body, at the heat pressed up against my already straining erection. Daniel's tongue is trailing down my neck as his free hands begin to unbutton my shirt. Slowly, with teasing slowness, every button released with precision...control. His lips working their way down my chest, his hands working towards removal of my shirt. The shirt falls to the floor, Daniel's mouth again return to my lips, and I moan in frustration as he grinds his body against mine.

His worn sweatshirt is soft against my exposed chest, the feel of the material good, but not as good as skin against skin. I physically ache, my penis twitching in its confinement in my desire to *feel* Daniel. Involuntarily, my free hand moves to touch skin, any part of Daniel. He grabs my hand, lacing our fingers together, then brings our joined hands down to first touch his erection through his pants. He groans at the light contact...our touch through the material. Daniel then maneuvers our conjoined hands down to me, to touch myself.

I can feel his lips draw into a smile as they press against my neck. "Feel what I do to you," he whispers as our interlocking fingers linger on my aching penis.

I realize what this is about. Control. Alpha male...whatever name it needs to be called. Whatever Daniel needs it to be. The control that he had taken from him when four members of his archeological team perished on that planet. He needs to regain control in some aspect, any aspect of his life and I give it to him willingly. * * * * *

Daniel has taken pity on my knees and we find ourselves in the bedroom. The only available lighting is the illumination from the candles that Daniel has taken time to light. I swallow back a moan from Daniel's ministrations. Rules laid down...I am not permitted to touch him. But God, his reverent touching of this tired, old body is driving me crazy. His tongue is painting swirls on my chest as he licks up the Ouzo he poured onto me as I lay prone. Love bites to my already hardened nipples, and the moan that I've been holding back escapes as I grip the quilt in frustration.

Daniel is lost, I see it in his eyes, I can sense it in his caresses to my body, his kisses. He is between my open legs, the heaviness of his body pushing me into the softness of the mattress. Red hot need flashes through my limbs as our still clothed penises rub against one another. My desire is palpable, almost painful and before I can plead with Daniel to end this torture, his sweatshirt disappears and he slides his naked chest against mine. That feeling alone, heat upon heat, and I almost come in my pants like a teenager.

"Please...Daniel." I whisper in his ear as I my pelvis gyrates against his.

"Begging me, Jack?" He whispers into my neck.

"Begging, pleading...whatever it takes, Daniel."

He sits up, I look at my lover, kneeling between my spread legs, the sweat glistening in the candle light, his love for me reflected in his eyes and smile. With the identical precision and restraint he presented when removing my shirt, it is now mirrored in releasing my penis from its trappings.

An involuntary shudder passes through me at his mere touch. Raising my hips off the bed as his fingers wrap themselves around my cock. There is an awe in his touch...an unspoken message that he has finally found what he spent years searching for. A priceless artifact that he has no need to share with the world. Daniel releases me, and before I can protest, he slides my pants and boxers off in one movement.

He stands at the foot of the bed, shirtless, his eyes raking my body. I wonder what he sees...A naked, tired man, penis one step away from explosion, balls heavy with longing, ...weak in the knees, soon to retire....

"I love you Jack."

And I know what he sees...not the tired, gray-haired old man that I see when I look in the mirror...Daniel sees *me*, Jack O'Neill, the man who loves Daniel Jackson...against regulations, against the majority ... I am willing to lose it all to have Daniel look at me like that.

* * * * *

Mentally, I can no longer withhold touching him as I feel his tongue glide over my penis. I risk his anger and card my fingers through his hair. Shivers of desire course through my body as he fingers my balls, stroking them, gently at first, increasing in intensity as I move beneath him.

I grab at his arm, pulling him down to me...he refuses...his desire to maintain control overwhelming him. Instead of kissing him, I am gasping in surprise as Daniel takes my cock in his mouth to the root. He hums...sounds of pleasuring me vibrating against my penis...an added sensation...an unbelievable welcome sensation adding to the myriad of others my body is experiencing. In moments, Daniel is swallowing my eruption of release, his tongue lapping the length of my penis.

He now sidles up to kiss me, and I taste myself on him, in his mouth, on his tongue. I am proud that he loves me enough to wear my mark...for I have truly marked this man with my scent...my need.

Daniel's need rubs against me, and a hot flash of guilt encompasses my whole being. "Touch me...just touch me."

I would love to do more than that...but he is in control...and I will do as he wants. He moves to his back and begins to unbutton his pants. I watch as they are removed over slim hips, followed by boxers. This Air Force Colonel would love to spend time admiring the civilian archeologist, but I am not permitted that privilege. Daniel grabs my hand placing it on his cock. Reiterating the command of "touch me."

I do nothing more than touch the heat of Daniel's penis, and he explodes calling my name. The fact that his ability to pleasure me excites him, floors me...we are as one. I work my way up his body, using my tongue to trace a path. Daniel has relinquished his alpha male role to me...he is lying, eyes closed, enjoying me. Before I kiss him...before I draw him to me...in a choked voice, he whispers "Thank you."

I know what he is thanking me for...it was not for making him come, for the sensations we experienced, nor the dinner, the bottle of Ouzo, nor my just being here. I let him have control, something he lost on the planet...something that is very important to Daniel.

* * * * *

I nurse a beer, Daniel his coffee. The coffee table is littered with the remnants of the dessert I had brought back from the restaurant...some concoction that Daniel loves made with philo dough, tons of sugar and nuts.

Placing the coffee mug on the table, Daniel leans back on the couch, hand rubbing his stomach. "I'm so full...that was good." He smiles at me, and I know he wasn't just referring to the pastry. I grab the front of his sweatshirt in my fist, forcing Daniel to me. In contrast to my action, I place a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Movie time..." I say hastily as Daniel begins to deepen the kiss. "Later..." I promise to Daniel...who smiles in response.

I pop the video in, grab the remote and make myself comfortable on the couch.

"Oh, Jack..."

"Come on...you love this movie."

"No." Daniel shakes his head vehemently, "*you* love this movie."

"Well you *used* to love this movie."

I sneak a glance over to Daniel...I now have one annoyed archeologist sharing a couch with me. I sigh in resignation. "If I said I was sorry Daniel...would you like the movie again?"

"Maybe."

I move closer, and place my head on his shoulder, my hand resting on his thigh. "Okay...I'm sorry that I said you reminded me of the donkey."

"Not good enough Jack..."

"Okay...I'm sorry that I said you reminded me of the donkey. The donkey talks *much* more than you." I pause, waiting for an answer. "Was that better Daniel?"

"Groveling on your knees would help...but that was okay...I'll accept that."

Daniel places his hand atop mine, and settles in to watch. Twenty minutes later, Daniel asks in a strangely subdued voice. "Does it get better, Jack?"

"The next part is really funny, Daniel. You know, when they..."

He begins to play with the fingers of my hand resting on his thigh. "Not the movie, Jack." Daniel draws a deep breath. "Losing people under your command. People you are responsible for."

I reach for the remote and turn off the TV. As much as I love the movie, Shrek has no place in the room while Daniel and I discuss what needed to be discussed from the time I walked in his front door.

"I would be lying to you Daniel if I told you it gets better. It takes a long time to even reach the state of acceptance that people...individuals...friends, got hurt or died while under your command. I've spent countless hours with the coulda, shoulda, woulda syndrome of 'If I changed this...or done that.' Wasted time, wasted energy."

"They were civilians...not military."

"No Daniel...they were all members of the SGC. That means when any one of us steps through that Stargate, it is crap shoot as to what awaits us on the other side...no matter what the MALP or the UAV says. They knew that....you know that."

I feel Daniel's head move in agreement. "The best thing you can do Daniel...is remember them. What made them special...what made them the individuals they were. They knew the risk of entering the event horizon...they gambled and lost, and for that I'm sorry."

We sit in the silence of the apartment, until Daniel grabs the remote from the table and turns the movie back on. My lover slides down the couch, putting his head in my lap, I gently place a pillow under his head for comfort against my thighs.

Within minutes, Daniel is sleeping and I'm tracing the bruises that line his cheek. How we began the day with each other...that is how it is ending. Dinner ...movie...comfort and friendship...my life with Daniel.